Saturday, December 22, 2007

The Verdict: The Holidays

The Holidays: do they suck rocks, or rock, sucker? Gather round as I break it down.

Christmas rocks because it's created an industry wherein midget actors can enjoy an abundance of work. Christmas sucks because my ex-girlfriend's clinical fear of midgets meant that for two months last year I had to go without sex while she cried herself to sleep every night. But the needs of the mini outweigh my need for poon, so Christmas rocks, sucker!

Boxing day rocks because it’s essentially a second, more selfish Christmas, where you can buy all the things you really wanted but never got, and for cheaper than on any other day of the year. Boxing Day sucks because despite the fact that everything is cheaper we still unanimously hold Christmas the day before Boxing Day rather than the day after. This confirms that Christians are all retarded and that Boxing Day sucks rocks!

New Year’s Eve sucks because it’s the same party that’s happening every other night of the year, yet the cost of entry quadruples while cheap sparkling wine masquerades as expensive champagne. New Year’s Eve rocks because the subsequent hangover, though dreadful, comes with one important clause: no matter how much of an arse-hole you managed to be last night, today you begin a new year with a clean slate. So let rip and be merry, because New Year’s Eve rocks, sucker!

The Verdict: Quit your griping and get with the festive spirit, because The Holidays rock, sucker!